There are a lot of voices which swirl about a woman’s head while dating. A lot of questions and precious few answers. For one, we always concern ourselves with whether we are liked. Sensitivity to how others perceive and accept us is a natural habit for many women. Then, we think about how this person might fit in our lives. Is this someone you can share things with? Will your parents like him? Perhaps the last questions we begin to concern ourselves with finally ask whether we are happy.

Dating is a different experience at different ages. When you’re younger, so much is hyped by the romance of defining yourself. You almost try on boyfriends like dresses to decide which style fits you best. There’s no real fear of making a wrong decision, time still seems endless, suspended. As you come into your own and your years, dating gets serious. The stakes are higher, but now you should have a better idea of the man who will offer the perfect fit. Maybe.

Learning what kind of man is your perfect fit can be a heart-wrenching experience. It’s not like the time when dating was a game of duck-duck-goose. Looking for someone to share your life with is more like playing poker. It is hard to know just how strong your hand is until you can see the other players’. So many questions come into your mind. Does he like me? Why does he like me? What is his family like? Will they like me? Will my parents like him, will my friends like him? Will his friends like me? What will they say about me? What does he want in life? Can I give it to him… do I want to? Is this the person for me? Can I see myself with him next week, next month… next year?

Too often, we find ourselves making the wrong decisions for all the right reasons. Perhaps you cling to seeing potential in someone that’s just not there yet. Or, this is someone you’ve been dating for years, he’s seen you grow, you appreciate the fact he knew you when… The worst yet, he’s wonderful, absolutely wonderful, and you feel clinically insane not to want him. You think about the potential for him to fit in your life, and you work with it; whether it is falling short, growing apart or chasing that spark- It is hard not to, when you hear time ticking away. You want to give him the encouragement he needs, understand his point of view or see things from a new angle. No matter how much you try and hope in these situations, though, you are sure to come up short.

Every question shouldn’t be about what more you can do for a relationship; sometimes you have to ask, what is the relationship doing for you? If this is one of those answers that isn’t forthcoming, or that stutters its way out, it’s time to step back and take a look at what you’re signing yourself up for. It’s no easy task to commit to this sort of introspection- asking, what is this doing for me? It’s harder when you do have a great guy vying for your affection, but it’s not in you to give it.

These are the simple, yet hard truths to face if you are to find real happiness with someone else. Being honest with yourself and who you are might be hard at times; confusing, emotional- but it is the best way to be happy. It all begins with one person. Before you have a couple, you have to have one, and taking care of the one, yourself, is the beginning of a great relationship.